Welcome to My Blog - Bhushan Kachru

                                                                    Anger

                     I am here. Take me Serious

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I vividly remember being an angry school youngster.  Sadly I continue to some degree even today in spite of many successes as also few failures. Some time back, I had an argument with my consort and I kept arguing to possibly satisfy my ego. She got annoyed and said “Bhushan don’t blow your own horn instead see yourself in the mirror when you are angry. Your temper seems hijacking your life? Why can’t you express in a better way.” Oh gosh! She ‘hit the nail on the head’. I was reminded of Maya Angelou, an American poet who once said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." 

Over the years I have realized that anger is the worst enemy   of human relationships. It primarily originates from the devilish part of the mind and is in built sentiment and usually portrayed right from childhood with varying levels. It may be due to heredity, upbringing, family and social environment. Uncontrolled anger may lead to high BP, heart strokes etc. Anger often appears suitable response to disappointments,   failures and unfulfilled desires to release pent up feelings.  In such or similar situation our mind reacts immediately by expressing displeasure. In an angry state, we often fail to see the reason and just go on a fury. Some amount of anger is natural to release our feelings and also to resolve injustice. Feelings of anger may also be related to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and mistrust. According to Zen philosophy, “No one makes us angry. We make ourselves angry.” According to a 2008 report from British Association of Anger Management, more than 12% people surveyed felt they had trouble controlling anger. According to Zogby International(US) interactive survey conducted during August,07, 49% of working Americans have witnessed workplace bullying  including verbal abuse, job sabotage, abuse of authority or destruction of workplace relationships.

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Key Behavioral Issues

 1 Irrational thought often lead to negative feelings.  Some carry irritations to home resulting in arguments with family leading to manifestations of anger.

2 The urgency in accomplishing goals.  Impatience and aggressive behavior often pilot repeated aggravations.  Sometimes it may also reflect our egoistic state of affair, outcome of weak inter-personal dynamics, lack of self confidence, disagreements, and jealousy etc. At times it may be an outcome of a threat perception due to an event / happening. On occasions our own negative self-dialogues lead to annoyance. Ignoring people or refusing to speak to them

4 Acting on unverified opinion, instigation and perception of others depict not only lack of emotional maturity but also generates negative feelings.

5 Thoughts, beliefs, feelings and perceptions often structure our attitudes and mind-set.  Some people habitually criticize and pass judgments on their organization policies, superiors, colleagues, family and neighbors etc.

6 Being pessimistic and reacting immediately may reflect past  disturbed family life,  parental discord, troubled childhood and bullying in school that brews negative thoughts off and on.

 

7 Being aggressive on consuming alcohol. At times  refusing to respond to criticism as  taking it  a challenge to our authority.

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Reactivate Yourself

Tips for Calming Anger

 

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion and controlling it doesn't mean never getting angry. Instead, it involves learning to identify and deal with it in healthy ways. However, if the flare-up unfortunately turns offensive this can cause serious problems in relationships. It's easy to get upset when face up to an angry person; However, on countering calmly and with empathy, the situation diffuses in a considerate way. The key basically is realizing our own trigger points and trying to control and minimizing these.  Equally important is to be familiar with people sensitivities and their dynamics. Keep a ‘cool head and a warm heart’ and practice spiritual ways of thinking and good karma. Half anger may vanish, if we are able to keep mutual respect, decorum while inter- personal deliberations.

  

·       Observe people exchanging harsh words and   for a moment think and imagine how we would feel if we behave in a similar manner. Try balancing out by ‘give and take/ forgiving’.

 

·   The positive deeds we do for our family/friends, gets deregistered, the moment we reflect negative feelings. People forget positivity and remember only negativity.

·   Take time off periodically, sit quietly in a room and try focusing   on past incidents of resentments, insults, failures etc.   These suppressed feelings need to be released one by one. Take back your mind to a particular incident and think in an unbiased manner whether these carryovers have benefited any way.  

• Tell yourself to calm down and repeat gently inside phrases to you like “take it easy,” “cool off,” or “it will be ok soon”. If need be temporarily shift from the angry situation and question yourself: “Will my anger help resolve the problem? Am I not letting people know my weakness?” This may help in calming emotions.
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• Criticism usually connotes negative feelings. Most feel irritated when criticized as they generally relate   with performance below expectations, humiliations or even insult.  Can we avoid being uncalled critics?

 

·       Some people being angry often take sadistic pleasure in cursing themselves and their karmas. No sooner they get an opportunity to open up; they give dent to their inner feelings which are negative. Try replacing negative thoughts with rational ones.  Why not stand before a mirror and speak out our internal dialogues. Repeat this number of time and we will feel relieved.

 

·       Living with acceptance of course is not easy. Developing a mind-set of acceptance helps in moving on in life. Transform to this mode gradually by repeated practice.

 

·       The moment irritating matters appear cooling down, express frustrations in an assertive but non offensive way.

 ·  ‘Forget and Forgive’ is a powerful tool to control anger and negative feelings.  Forgiving someone who angered is magnanimous.  We might learn from the situation. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as we desire.

 

·       Miscommunication,   ‘hearing and not listening’ contributes to frustrations.  Spotlight on what others are saying, and don't get diverted by delivering reply before they've finished.  Once they have completed, make aware what we listened by reflecting back what they have said.

 

·    Learn art of ‘being inside out, transparent and straightforward’ in resolving inter-personal conflicts. This helps in speedily resolving anger issues and builds credibility. Be assertive and honest about what we want, and also respect the needs of others.

 

·       Slowly in heart count one to fifty before saying or doing anything may control our feelings and also avoid saying something to avoid regrets later on.

• Appreciate what are acceptable and unacceptable levels of behaviour.
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• Advisable to attend Soft-skills training workshops, counseling and role play sessions to deliberate and control anger and behavioral related issues.

Mindfulness

This technique is highly successful in controlling anger, stress and frustrations. Scientific research suggests that mindfulness helps to reduce stress, improve performance, and quality of life. Mindfulness means unbiased observation of our thoughts, allowing these to come and go without attaching ourselves. It helps in focusing on self-awareness and builds trust and self- acceptance. It discourages negative internal conversations and helps in refocusing mind to the present goals. Being in the mindfulness mode requires attitudinal change .It does not happen overnight. Our thoughts, beliefs, and feelings in subconscious mind create obstacles and are happy maintaining the status quo. One needs to transform to this mode gradually. Be aware of thoughts and focus on what we are doing right now in silence say for five to ten minutes daily. Initially it would appear as if we are short sighted and going backwards .But as we practice, we would realize how slowly our anger starts getting controlled.

 

 

Bhushan Kachru

      Blogger