Listening
Heart of Communications
Photo-Public Domain Pictures (Pixabay)
Most people have grown hearing “Are you listening to what I am saying” from
parents and teachers. Even today most of us just ‘Hear but not Listen’. Largely
people understand that communication means good talking and writing skills. But
hearing, not bothering to be an active listener is actually scarce
communications. For instance, at times while my spouse converses with me, I
become lost and start thinking about matters other than what is being conveyed.
Research shows that only about 10 percent listen effectively. Nature has
bestowed us with two ears and a mouth; listening therefore I feel is heart and
soul of communications. Ask a deaf how miserable he feels?
“ Oh my God
if I could listen to my mom, the chirping birds, the howls of animals, the
gushing water of a river, the beauty and sound of a thunderstorm, and the sweet
love talks of my beloved”.
We all love listening to our own voice
repeatedly. For example, if I had spoken
at a seminar, I would get it video graphed and back home first thing I will do
is to listen to my own voice repeatedly. But when it comes to listening to
others, we become casual and feel “listening
to him- my foot. It must be same old crap.” We are in the habit of pre judging the
speaker. If the speaker is handsome /beautiful and has a confident tone, we do
take interest. By improving listening capabilities, we surely improve on
influencing, persuading, trust and counselling, thereby reducing conflicts.
Effective listening is a skill learned by practice and is foundation of good inter-personal communications. Research shows that about 85% of what we communicate is nonverbal such as physical movements, eye contact and our psychological presence. So, when someone communicates, our attitude has to be focused on the speaker. This assures speaker of our involvement in the communication process?
The following simple technique will help improve on
listening.
Ask your
spouse/friend to be a speaker. Go to a room free from distractions and ask the
speaker to read out a paragraph in normal speed and listen with attention. Once
the speech is over, start writing and compare. Once we are improving start
remembering what is being read. Repeat the exercise. Asking relevant questions towards
the end of conversation also helps ensuring our attentiveness.
Think & Reflect
1
Our thoughts often get
distracted while listening. We think we are listening, but actually we are just
hearing and eager to jump the ‘Q’
and tell our story/ offer advice/ make a judgment—
“Honestly we are not listening to understand,
but eager to reply”
2 We are usually impatient and want
results yesterday. Our minds are busy 24x7 with self-dialogues, much of it is negative and
we plan responses to irritations.
3 If the speaker’s talk is on : ways of
making fast buck, nudity and sex,
adultery, films, office or community
gossip, criticism etc., we love listening and registering. On the contrary, we
feel talks on spirituality, self development; positivity, etc. are just dull. Our
ego-mind feels
“What he/she will tell me, I know more than him/ her”
Thus reflecting our pseudo superiority and arrogance
Reactivate Yourself
Ability in listening calls for hundred percent attentions to what is being deliberated. Turn the mind away from all distractions, no multi tasking just concentrate on what is being communicated. If we listen alertly, we in turn would be heard attentively and our sentiments will be respected. This helps creating a congenial environment.
1 Learn to be patient as there are all sorts of speakers who may converse slowly or fast. Learn to adjust to the style of the speaker and allow him to finish the talk before we begin to converse. When we interrupt, it looks like we aren't listening, wanting attention and may want to take over the control of conversations. Try to understand the gist and posturize what the speaker is saying and make a feel of conversation. Wait for the speaker to pause before clarifying questions.
2 Our state of mind is
often in a state of flux. The speaker can observe how we act as if we are listening
but in fact our mind may be engaged elsewhere or in a hurry to leave. By doing
this we are de-motivating the speaker even if the speaker is our spouse/ friend.
Now for a moment do a role reversal and realize how bad and low we will feel if
someone does this with us. For instance,
“Often at home / work, we
communicate important information when either one is watching
TV/cooking/walking out of room/getting in the car. We don’t realise that
neither we are able to communicate fully nor the listener is concentrating fully
on what we are saying resulting in poor listening /misunderstandings.”
3 We focus 100% when making corporate presentations/
during a job interview? Develop similar habit
of concentrating on what is being communicated. Inculcate the principle of one
task at a time. Either drive or listen to your spouse /co passenger for obvious
reasons. Remember when it is related to getting work instructions in office, we
all are more than careful listeners. However, when our spouse/friend wants us
to listen, we are generally casual, resulting in listening half way. This is
because other than the important concerns, we feel rest is just trash. Get out
of this habit.
4
Facial expressions generally help to get in tune with the feelings behind the
message. To be on the same wavelength, it is advisable once in a while to nod
head/ make facial gestures. An acknowledgement does not necessarily mean that we
are agreeing with the speaker. It is just that we are simply indicating that we
are listening. Unfortunately I have observed often some people depict their
disinterest by playing with a pencil / looking at room ceiling. We may have
noticed that while driving some times when our spouse is complaining about
in-laws/ other relations, we show disinterest by looking out or abruptly change
the topic. Get out of this habit. Let the other person complete speaking. By
using signs to acknowledge, we are not only listening but also reminding our self
to pay attention. People generally feel
that by being aggressive, persuasive, and keeping some things up the sleeves
helps winning arguments. They are totally mistaken. It is our skills in
listening which ultimately help win an argument.
5 Some people lack telephone etiquettes.
They go on talking, don’t allow receiver to respond. For instance,
“Hi Mohan this is Roma. I had asked you to go to the college and find about different courses, admission procedure, and fee structure. Did you procure forms and have you sent these to me? Mohan is trying to reply. But Roma does not give him a chance to reply. Roma is only speaking and forgetting that she has to hear Mohan. This is a failed communications”.
Better listening on phone demands extending curtsey and being friendly. This is especially vital when we know the person we are calling or who is calling us. This helps in preparing a ground for satisfactory listening to the other party. Ensure the other party completes communicating without any interruption from our end in spite of knowing already what the other party is communicating.
6 At times, we notice some people talking in between the lines and
giving hay way examples and not being straight forward and direct. The listener
often looks bewildered and confused. For instance,
"I am not upset. I am just saying”
Simultaneously showing anger
reflected through the body language. Such negative behavior confuses the
listener and loses the essence of the message being conveyed. Also try to avoid
statements such as:"I guess" Instead just say yes / no or no
comments. “Well it is ok” .Instead be clear on what you mean. Reluctantly
saying ok puts the listener in a dilemma. “As you please” It conveys an open
ended answer. Whether yes or no.?
7 Whenever
attending a meeting, interruption/ talking over others are bad etiquettes. Always wait for our turn to speak .Some
experts believe that the mark of a good leader is to speak only 20 per cent of
the time.
To tap it -:
Listening and speaking are two wheels of a bicycle. Listening is basic
foundation of good inter-personal relationships. To improve the listening
capabilities, we need to make sure the other person knows that we are
listening. Never listen only to reply but to understand.
Bhushan Kachru
Blogger
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