Forgiving Not Forgotten
Photo-drjamesdobson.org/broadcasts
From times immemorial clemency as a
philosophy of improving one’s karma is generally carved deep-seated in people’s
mindset. Undoubtedly forgiving and forgetting the wounds inflicted and moving
from tears to healing is mentally a difficult path to tread. I bet not many of
you by heart would be prepared out rightly to accept ‘forgiving
and forgetting’. People overwhelming want ‘eye for an
eye’ to
soothe their emotions and possibly heal their wounds. But does that actually
happen. Till the time you are not able to give back, your mind constantly
churns these thoughts. Most elderly lay too much emphasis on ‘forgive and
forget’
and advise moving on in life. But what about your psyche, negativity that is
generated when you see or hear some crime having been committed. Suppose such a
crime is committed within your family, I really don’t comprehend how you are
going to soothe your nerves and anger etc.
Most of you perhaps very much realize that how this negative energy changes in to anger and hatred there by disturbing your mental equilibrium. Well it is also true that you need to move on from ‘tears to healing’. It is an accepted fact that time is a big healer but wiping of tears and healing does bring in some temporary relief. Yes in some corner of your head, you ought to feel the pinch. Forgiving is a role normally played by your heart and not the head. In some cases it may remain forever. Dr. Ned Hallowell in his book “Dare to Forgive” explains it isn't about turning your cheek to someone or running away from the problem. It's not about condoning what the person has done or that you won't defend yourself.
Let me share a
incident that took place in 1993.
Amy Biehl, a Stanford Graduate and a Fulbright scholar was studying women’s roles in the creation of a new constitution for the post-apartheid society. She was working in underprivileged communities in South Africa. and was ambushed and murdered by a group of youths while driving black friends home from a party in her honor in Gugulethu, Cape Town. The four men convicted of her murder were released by the country’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission. In a remarkable act of forgiveness, her family supported their release. Biehl’s parents went on to fund the ‘Amy Biehl Foundation to develop and empower youths in the townships and to discourage further violence. The Biehls employed two of the men convicted of her murder at the foundation. In her memory, the parents set up a Foundation to offer after-school and vocational training to young blacks in the community and gave employment to her killers. Today the killers are running the Foundation. (https://news.stanford.edu)
Forgiving is not easy and needs courage and conviction. But often some of you do get sermons from your inner voice to forgive and forget. Some people often are heard saying at individual levels that justice needs to meet the end. That is acceptable norm globally by following the legal prudence and if convicted, appropriate sentence follows. Forgiving no doubt will always remain a sign of the unfailing strength of courage, peace and change.
Let me share a true and
an incredible story of Forgiveness.
Didier, 11 years old from Colombia witnessed the killing of his mother with 38 bullets. He was next to her when she dropped dead. As a reaction, Didier went down a self-destructive path and embraced a life of drugs, alcohol and crime for four years. “In drugs and alcohol I looked for the love that was taken away from me with the assassination of my mother,” Didier was thinking about retaliation. People in the neighborhood told him who the killer was. Planning his vengeance, Didier started collecting guns. At night he would cry and think of how he would kill his mother’s assassin, but he never found the courage to do so. He was dismissive at first but eventually accepted the invitation of one of his friend. He found the strength and the courage to forgive the man who killed his mom. One day Didier saw the killer sitting on the street curb. He joined him, sat next to him and asked him why he had killed his mother. The man broke down sobbing. Those tears were, for Didier, the confirmation that the man was the one who shot his mother to death. Sometime later, Didier ran into the man again. He went up to him and told him, “I don’t know why you killed my mother, but I forgive you.” Didier embraced the man, and the guy once again broke down in sobs. “I want to give him my forgiveness, and try to help him,” (Excerpts www.psychologytoday.com)
But what happens when in the
unfortunate circumstances, our dear and near one’s get murdered? Studies in the
past at Duke University Medical Center have shown that practicing forgiveness
can have a positive effect on your health such as reduction in mental and
physical pain, anger, stress, depression etc. Research suggests that the
ability to forgive helps in boosting your immune system. Pardoning is also a remedy
to your rage and may gradually transform you, not only spiritually but also,
emotionally and, even, physically. Forgiveness surely is magnanimous and
instills strength and adds attributes to your name for ever like a personal
brand. If you firmly believe from your heart in forgiving and forgetting, your legacy
will remember your good deeds even after you have gone from the world. For
example,
I like to share true personal experiences of one of my near and dear Late Mr. Vinay Dhar (lovingly Pummy) whom we lost very young about some 18 years back in Delhi. A true Karma Yogi, a gem of a person, full of positivity to the hilt. Honestly a very humble, loyal, reliable, unassuming and modest soul. He would always reflect positive orientations. (I found him the only one among over 150 near and far off relations with exceptional rare deed of forgiving). Couple of times, I personally witnessed how he would make relations reconcile should there be disagreements or small misunderstandings. I had often witnessed how he would apologies on behalf of others. If in his home, some members felt like retaliating, he would counsel against it. In fact even if people at his home were not at fault, yet he would initiate positive dialogue and extend his hand of forgiveness and advise forgetting and bridging relationships. He couple of times counselled me personally when I was in a rage to retaliate during discussions/arguments in some small family matter.
Photo-flourishingtoday.com/forgive
Steps to Reactivate Yourself
It is true that your thoughts of bitterness and anger will for long time keep haunting you’re conscious. But there is no constructive alternative to stabilizing your thoughts and feelings. Surely your peace of mind and thoughts are more important than possible retaliation. "I forgive you" are three important golden terms of your expressions you may ever give to someone being forgiven by you. It looks easy for me to advocate but believe me forgiveness undoubtedly is extremely difficult. At times it looks as if you have kept a stone on your heart. Forgiveness is having enormous courage.
1 Forgiving is essentially cleansing of your mind and heart and ensuring attempt at adding good Karmas. It surely is a step towards ultimate journey to spiritual growth. Also as time passes and things appear somewhat normal, it will be of immense help to spend some quiet time meditating to smoothen your mind energy. Forgiveness starts from your inner voice and therefore forgive yourself first before you start forgiving others. Only then you may be capable to let go of the negative feelings connected with the hurt.
3 You need to realize and accept that you have control on your behaviour, anger and emotions but you don’t have any control over thoughts and mindset of others. Pardoning does not necessarily mean settlement with the accused or forgiving of his action. It is a way to find peace with self. Try developing gradually a forgiving mind by being empathetic. It is said that empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important step in the process.
4 You seem to be habitual of
talking about the wrongs committed against you to your relations / friends but
not directly to the guilty person. By doing this, you are only frustrating yourselves.
The right behavior is not to talk to others instead talk to the person who has
committed wrong directly.
5 Forgivingness is not only a gift to other person but also to you since it not only brings in happiness and also adds to your karmic balance sheet. It has to be granted with no ifs and buts attached with it.
6 Ensure that people around don’t take pardoning for granted. The offender needs to formally or informally request for it with a pledge that the offender will not repeat his guilt in future. Before forgiving the offender, care needs to be taken to summon the offender and discuss the offence committed. Advice steps for correcting the behavior in an informal counselling session.
7 Should the accused be sentenced, try appealing for his somewhat lesser punishment and also see if you may help in reformation during the sentence.
Bhushan Kachru
Blogger
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